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When A Marriage Goes Sour!

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Monkey Tail, Government Officials And Policy Implementation

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Hope O’Rukevbe Eghagha

I have often wondered why sometimes people who had danced into a marriage with love, happiness, optimism and hope all too soon turn into bitter enemies, ready to maim, defame, or abuse, or kill and go their different ways. For some, after ten, twenty or thirty years of marriage they turn on each other and fight a bitter divorce in court, calling each other names, and throwing caution to the wind. In one deadly case, one of the former sweet lovers sent assassins after the other party. Why does intense love turn into deep bitterness in some marriages? When bitterness creeps into a union, some throw away all forms of decencies, ignore the fate of their kids, and carry on as if the world would be better off without the presence of the other. Why does this happen between persons who had been in courtship for many years?

The first time I witnessed a marriage of close persons go sour, bitterly sour was around 1985. It was our post-graduation years. We all had kept tab on one another on most issues – job, marriage, family, who was where and who was what. We knew who was dating who, who took someone seriously and who we would never recommend to an enemy for a deep, long lasting relationship. Yes, later we all drifted apart into different fields, lives, climes, and endeavours. And some died early too. Everyone with his own fate, his obligations, and his destiny. Some rose sharply, got to the top and made it big while we were yet struggling. A few burnt out early. They had risen too fast perhaps. ‘This world no balance’, one of us summed it up.

READ ALSO: Managing Diversity In A Multiethnic Country

Fast forward, we all became reunited in the era of social media. But in the old days, we managed to meet. Dapo showed up one day and told me he was getting married to one Chinyere Hauwa Okafor. Chinyere Hauwa Okafor? Hmmm! I said, ‘Just like that? ‘Just like that how’? he asked. ‘So fast’? ‘What a combination of names getting married to a Dapo? ‘Marriage of unity. Igbo father and Hausa mother! ‘Great. But we don’t know the lady involved.’ ‘That’s precisely the point. It’s an adventure. A journey of discovery. You don’t have to know her. I’ve known her long enough to marry her. Five years is no joke! ‘Five years? How? When? ‘My secret, boy, my secret’, he replied confidently.

So, I was shocked beyond words when after three years, he said it was all over. The drama of the news of the exit of Chinyere from his life equaled the one which had announced her coming. I had come to know them after the introduction, months before the wedding, while we ate out, drank, saw movies, and attend social functions together. I supposed he wanted me to meet his angel, though he never asked my opinion, and I never volunteered nor asked any questions, and we lived happily ever after. Or so I thought! I simply took her as wife-to-be. I guess he was very comfortable with that. His family was relieved that their notorious philanderer had decided to be serious about life, by taking a wife. It didn’t matter that they didn’t know her or that she was from an ethnic group that some of them thought should never come into their family. Any wife that he chose was good. They accepted Chinyere and treated her like family. They didn’t want him to change his mind after a few months. Before we knew it, a big wedding was held, and both were expected to live happily like the prince and princess in fairy tales.

I wondered what made the hitherto inseparable pair so disgusted with each other that they could not sit down in the same room just three years into the marriage. I was witness to their courtship and beautiful wedding at which ceremony my friend looked into his wife’s eyes all the time that everyone believed that he was indeed smitten by the bug of love. She also was all soft and smiling and saying and doing all the right things. In their courtship days, they hardly had time for a third person. He had been a swinger on the business of women chasing and suddenly cut off everyone. What was in this girl Chinyere that made Dapo a born-again lover boy? What charm, what potion had she fed him with that altered his personality?

But the marriage ended. He didn’t want to say what really happened. I didn’t have the nerve to probe for details because his lips became tight any time the topic came up. He returned to drinking and smoking furiously as if smoking was a way of repudiating the life of a born-again, which his foray into Pentecostalism had taught him. He simply said it was too painful to talk about it. I had no access to Chinyere. Indeed she disappeared from our orbit, taking their only child along with her.

READ ALSO: Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida (IBB) In The Eye Of History

It was later we found out that they were two different personalities. While Chinyere was the home girl who frowned and made trouble with his long hours in his workplace, with new friends, Chinyere the unemployed would cry into the night waiting for her beloved. How and why did Dapo stop coming home as he did in the first year? I was not aware that he had resumed hanging out late because I hardly saw him. We lived and worked at different ends of this big hostile and dirty city. Dapo would just smoke away each time I asked what could be done. Once I joked that I had invited Chinyere to meet us and he replied that the moment she walked in he would walk out!

Marriage is a marathon. Not a sprint. The ‘for better for worse’ proclamation in the old tradition recognized this fact. In that old tradition, parties or stakeholders in a union respected most of the rules. Families knew how to intervene and restore order. In the world we live in, such rules are no longer respected. Spouses now pick up a gun or a knife to kill off a troublesome partner. In one case, a wife cut off her husband’s genitals after stabbing him to death. What this means is that there are some marriages, apparently made in heaven which must end once it gets to earth. When it becomes clear that both parties are or one of the parties is suffering unbearably in the union, something must be done. Suffering is not an experience that should go on forever.

An exploitative union of any type must end. That is the spirit of the brave new world, the world of freedom. An abusive marriage gives happiness to no one, not even the abuser. It hurts. A husband and wife who can no longer live together because of irreconcilable differences should part ways amicably without breaking heads. For the sake of the children, for the sake of their sanity, like Chinyere and Dapo, separation should be peaceful and without unnecessary drama and acrimony. If they decide to ‘manage’ and ‘patch up’ things for the sake of the world, they might end up killing each other.

READ ALSO: Is Nigeria A Failing State?

In all the unions in the land, whether nuptial or geographical or religious, there must be no exploitation, no oppression and no-winner-takes-it-all spirit. Those who have a stronger arm in a marriage today could lose it tomorrow. Power in the hands of man is not an eternal thing. It is transient. The history of the world is replete with spouses or powerful men who thought that they would rule forever. Some learnt a lesson when it was too late. Nobody rules a family, a clan, a community, a state, a country in injustice and rules forever. The Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth will not allow injustice to be a forever-thing in the affairs of man! A sour marriage should end!

 

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Opinion

Fear Of Witchcraft And Politics In Zambia

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Witch Burning, Impunity And Abuses Linked to Witchcraft Beliefs In Benue State
Dr Leo Igwe

By Leo Igwe

The Advocacy for Alleged Witches (AfAW) is concerned over the reported arrest of two men accused of being ‘witchdoctors’ in Zambia. The arrest underscores the potency of witchcraft fears and the connection between occult anxieties and the country’s politics. These individuals were accused of trying to bewitch the Zambian president, Hakainde Hichilema. The police claimed that they had charms. They planned to use the charms to harm the president. The report says the two persons have been charged under Zambia’s Witchcraft Act. The Act criminalizes “possession of charms”, “professing knowledge of witchcraft”, and “cruelty to wild animals”. The police found the two with assorted charms, including a live chameleon.

This development is utterly embarrassing and shows that the Zambian government is slowly losing its focus and bearing.The country has many socio-economic challenges. Suspicion of bewitchment or possession of charms should be the least of its worries at this time. There should be no place for witchcraft and possession of charms in modern politics because there is no evidence for these beliefs and practices. Zambian authorities should not weaponize the Witchcraft Act or use it to justify this incident. Zambian law does not recognize witchcraft. Zambia’s Witchcraft Act criminalizes naming or imputing witchcraft. It prohibits accusing or threatening to accuse any person of being a witch or a wizard. In this case, it is the police who are breaking the law.

Otherwise, how did they know the two individuals were ‘witchdoctors’? Did these persons identify as witch doctors? If not, the police are liable because they named and imputed witchcraft and have to prove that these individuals have witch-doctoring powers. The police claimed to have charged these individuals for possessing “assorted charms”, including a chameleon. Really?

The police in Zambia have questions to answer: What are charms? How did they know that what was in their possession were charms, not pets? Is a chameleon a form of charm? What makes possession of a chameleon possession of a charm? When and how does a chameleon become a charm? The police need to answer these questions and more before one takes them seriously.

Again, did the individuals describe what was in possession as ‘charms’? If they did, does confessing or designating something as a charm make it a charm? And if they did not, the police are liable because they need to prove how those possessions translated into charms.

In addition, the police claimed that the duo wanted to bewitch the president. What does that mean? How did they know? Are the police not contravening a provision under the Witchcraft Act by professing knowledge of witchcraft? Can one harm another person using a chameleon? They claimed that the two persons wanted to use the charms in their possession, including the chameleon to harm the president. How did they know that? What is the evidence for that?

The Advocacy for Alleged Witches calls for an end to this state-sponsored witch hunt. There is no evidence of harm through witchcraft or charms. The Zambian government should desist from witchcraft- related infractions and violations including arbitrary arrest, and detention of innocent citizens. These allegations are baseless and absurd. The arrest was politically motivated. This development demonstrates that Zambian authorities are out of sync with their duty and obligation to uphold the rule of law and protect accused persons.

Zambian authorities need to act in compliance with the 2021 UN resolution, which urged states to take measures to combat abuses linked to witchcraft beliefs and ritual attacks. End witchcraft allegations in Zambia. End witch hunts in Africa now!

Dr Igwe directs the Advocacy for Alleged Witches.

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Opinion

Burning Issues: (FCT Minister And Paulosa) (2)

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Readers’ Showers Of Encouragement
Prof. Tony Afejuku

By Tony Afejuku

The other burning issue, apart from Farotimi and Babalola’s, which I wish to take a look at – and which I am taking a look at now – relates to what is happening in our capital territory. What is this burning issue – which our human rightists and civil society organisations and personages are surprisingly and un-satisfactorily not inclined to focus attention on and examine as they should? I may be wrong, but it surely seems to me that this issue, this burning issue, which is of more importance than Farotimi and Babalola’s – which has been given undue adulation – is deliberately being neglected and depreciated by proclaimers and heroes and heroines of human rights, justice, equity and equality of rights in your country my country our country. Why, why, why and why, why, why? Anyone who has any iota of patriotic sensibility, feeling and judgment well watered and buttressed by a very great influence upon his or her critical judgment will keep on asking the question I am asking.

Mr. Nyesom Wike, as almost everybody who can read and write a little knows, is the current minister of your, my and our Federal Capital Territory. His post or office is akin to that of a governor of a state. As the immediate past governor of Rivers State who was drafted, after his two terms there expired, to continue in the FCT as its new minister-governor or governor-minister under the auspices of a party he is not a true member of, Mr. Wike cannot but be seen as a lucky man. He is in every possible and impossible way. Minister-Governor Wike is a lucky man and a very fortunate one indeed. No former governor of Rivers State (or of any Nigerian state), as far as I know, has achieved what the famed political rouser of rabbles has achieved in one short gubernatorial life-time, and at a relatively young and fertile age. His dual achievement with and in two different political parties at this delicate point of Nigerian politics indicates to our politicians and us all that there is always time for a reminder that there are ready-made high rewards for arch-angels of betrayals. And Mr. Wike may go down in Rivers and Nigerian history as both an arch-angel and an emperor of betrayal of us all if we attempt to indicate what I have defined here as his dual achievement.

We can roughly divide, briefly, Wike’s political development into two periods. During the first, excluding his lower political positions before he became the governor of Rivers State, he quickly adapted his style to that of an emperor who became a rabble-rouser of rabble-rousers whose gubernatorial efficiency moved from stiffness to stiffness. He did not at any time feel that he needed suppleness to govern Rivers State. “Let the heavens fall if they must fall!” We are not there yet in this attempted analysis of the stiff-hearted and stiff-minded one. True? But he is already demonstrating this characteristic in Abuja. False? Judge and give the answer yourself.

Even after he left Rivers State a short while ago as governor, he is still trying to control happenings there to the political discomfiture of his hand-picked successor, his erstwhile “boy” and “son” – with whom he has fallen out. As the minister-governor or governor-minister of the FCT, Wike is occupied with the other taste of the emperor-juggernaut formulator – doing the work of two key political masters in one room and desk of political jugglery. Since his appearance in the FCT, minister-governor or governor-minister Wike has allegedly attempted to recover or transform for Abuja what is not traditionally or socially Abuja’s, for example, the city’s social idiom and landscape and terrain as well as its environs. In doing this he sometimes over-steps his bounds and mark of human/inhuman decency/indecency and psychological understanding of human nature, if you follow well what I am saying; he has so far become at best not really better than a typical pedestrian Nigerian lawyer and officer of political power: in his explorations so far in the Federal Capital Territory we have come to the realization, as T. S. Eliot would say, that “it is so often true that only by going too far can we find out how far we can go.” But one has to be a very negatively obstinate and self-serving emperor and a thorough-bred arch-angel of betrayal of the people and masses to justify such perilous and perfidious expeditions and adventures.

Last week, I saw on Arise Television “The Morning Show” Chief Rita Lori-Ogbebor, the dutiful widow of the late Nigerian supreme patriot and soldier, Colonel Ogbebor (of Benin stock) battling, so to say, to wrest the legacy of her late husband from the tight grip of the adventurous FCT minister-governor who has registered his name and signature in the hearts and consciousness of the people as the depriver of their possessions. The three anchors of “The Morning Show” were in their respective ways splendid in their structures of remarks and questions to Chief (Mrs.) Rita Lori-Ogbebor whom I have had occasions in times past to call patriotically Rita A-K 47 on account of her natural right to fire her beautiful tongue at any person, usually an enemy, of just actions. When she made the case she made to protect the estate of Paulosa Nigeria Limited, her late husband’s aforesaid legacy in the FCT, she was in her natural territory, habitat and element where even at age eighty-four, she never ever loses her stability – although she unusually restrained herself in the Arise Television appearance. Dr. Reuben Abati, Rufai Oseni, and Ayo Mairo-Ese clearly explored seriously but delightfully the mind of the mother-hen of Warri – my other coinage and appellation I gave her in my poetry. Her “The Morning Show” appearance enabled me to see the poignant cry de profundis of the FCT inhabitants whose property and residences in different guises have been demolished. She did not say anything that was out of joint. She spoke and came out as a mother, protector and symbol of the people who have suffered – and are suffering – from the state of affliction and anguish Wike’s demolitions have placed – and are placing – the people.

Ojy Okpe in her delicious and delectable “What is Trending” slot on the same show, showed without exaggeration but with further elaboration what people in and outside Abuja/FCT think of the mighty Wike’s demolitions, a burning issue that the Senate has asked “Let Heaven Fall” minister-governor Wike to halt as the committee the Senate set up on the issue starts its work. Of course, we cannot but assume that Chief Rita Lori-Ogbebor, Mrs. Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan as well as Mrs. Ireti Kingigbe, the senator representing the FCT in the Senate and other patriotic senators diligently did what they did on the floor of the Senate when the burning issue was tabled for debate with the gracious understanding and authorization of the Senate President.

I need to state further that the “The Morning Show” anchors did well and extremely so by giving the minister-governor the opportunity to air his anti-Paulosa story. His senior special assistant on public communication and social media, Mr. Olalere Olayinka, stood in for him. After he gave the reasons for the clamp-down, his responses to the questions the anchors put to him followed the usual pattern of denials by artificial men in power – denials that they always use to intimidate and betray the people. In fact, Mr. Olayinka’s ploy to ride easily over our dear Rufai Oseni, a wholesome representative of the deprived, that the chap (or is it guy?) and his boss always employ their colloquial speeches and remarks to dishonor, failed. Yes, the ploy failed woefully. In stanza after stanza of the exchanges between Mr. Olayinka and the Arise anchors, he deteriorated – and his deterioration was hall-marked when he unwittingly revealed that the Paulosa land had been acquired by his minister-governor’s close cohort, an act that was nothing short of gross abuse of power and authority.

Because the Senate is already using its authority, power and privilege to resolve the burning issue, hopefully, in a way that the late Colonel Ogbebor’s legacy and family will not be subjected to any kind of degradation, I will utter no more words for now. I trust, however, that the liberties the Senate is taking – or has taken – are for the sake of order to favour the down-trodden.

As for the minister-governor, the PDP emperor at large, here is an immortal quote from Marcus Aurelius, the magnificent and authentic Roman Emperor and philosopher (A.D. 121-180): “If it is not right, do not do it; if it is not true, do not say it.” You lose nothing by giving us a slice of your humanity by your right acts and correct words. Everything changes and passes. Be humane as a human being.

Afejuku can be reached via 08055213059.

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Opinion

Questionstorm As A Method Of Teaching

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Witch Burning, Impunity And Abuses Linked to Witchcraft Beliefs In Benue State

By Leo Igwe

Recently, I facilitated a critical thinking workshop at the Bay Wreath Schools in Lagos. The theme was critical thinking and teacher development. As the theme stated, the workshop was on teaching, about teaching, and for teachers. It highlighted the pedagogical value of critical and reflective inquiry. The workshop exposed teachers to critical mental habits and skills. It emphasized how critical thinking would enhance expertise in the learning and delivery of subjects in classrooms.

I used the opportunity to discuss questionstorm as a method of teaching and learning. Questionstorm is a way that I operationalized critical thinking for primary and elementary schools. Questionstorm is the ability to interrogate all objects and materials. It is a habit of questioning ideas and experiences in all areas of human endeavor. Simply put, questionstorm is a question-driven inquiry. Children are naturally curious. They thirst for knowledge and understanding. Unfortunately, the school system kills children’s curiosity and dampens their interrogative appetite. The school system places much emphasis on rote learning and memorization. It makes the generation of answers not questions or problems the test of knowledge, and the determinant of intelligence. Teaching is largely a drudgery, a monotonous exercise, and a process of depositing knowledge on passive recipients, the students. Teaching entails dumping information on learners whose duty is to cram and reproduce during tests or examinations.

This teaching praxis has been criticized and blamed for the poor performance of students post-school (college and university) and their inability to think independently, creatively, and innovatively. Other teaching methods have tried to address these gaps and limitations. There have been suggestions to make teaching and instruction more active, and more student/learner/child-centered. One such method is the Montessori method. The Montessori method discourages grades and tests as ways of measuring achievement or determining intelligence and excellence. It emphasizes hands-on learning and the development of real-world skills. While the Montessori method stresses the practical approach to learning it says very little about the authoritarian teacher-to-student approach that is the mainstay of teaching and learning in classrooms. Teaching follows a pattern that leaves students and learners in the margins and unable to question and contribute to the learning process. Teachers present what is to be learned such as a text, and then generate questions that students respond or address to demonstrate knowledge of what has been taught. The student’s or learner’s main job is to answer questions, to look for or find answers or solutions. The teacher’s work is to get students to look for, and provide answers, and reproduce what they have been taught or told. But students are answer-depots. Students are not memory banks or reserves. They are active minds and thinking agents.

With questionstorm as a teaching method, the mode of instruction would change. Teaching becomes a cooperative endeavor that actively involves teachers and students. What is taught in the classroom is a collaborative note, not the teacher’s note, not a handout to students. Teachers present or generate texts or objects for learning, in response to intense questioning of the object or material by students, teachers provide information as required for that subject, topic, level, and time frame. No two instances of teaching – of the same topic or subject- are or should be the same because the input of students and teachers is not predetermined.
This is because of an overlooked principle in teaching and learning, that I call the “uncertainty principle”.

The uncertainty principle underlies questionstorm because knowledge is not fixed. Learning is a fluid process. All that is to be learned is uncertain, it is unknown and never determined. No teacher can say beforehand what is to be taught or learned because no one knows exactly the questions and answers or replies that would arise when a topic is presented or taught in a particular class. A topic or learning material elicits unique responses and exchanges that both teachers and students cannot exactly know or predict a priori, before the fact.

Teaching is a shared task and responsibility. Class notes are fluid materials. They are not texts cast on educational stones and delivered by teachers to students to copy, cut, and paste as is often the case. Class notes are not written or produced by teachers for students but by teachers with students. Teachers’ notes are incomplete and insufficient. They account only for a part, not a whole of the learning process and material. Students’ input completes and complements the teaching material and learning process. Thus every class note is unique because it is a product of a specific collaborative endeavor, a product of particular teaching and learning agents and circumstances that cannot be repeated or replicated.

Thus, as a teaching method, questionstorm is set to facilitate teacher development and improve the quality of instruction in schools. Questionstorm will help realize a paradigm shift in education and learning. I hope educators, teachers, and school managers will embrace this method of teaching and learning.

Dr  Igwe directs the Critical Thinking Social Empowerment Foundation.

 

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