Opinion
Mummy: Let The Singles Breathe!
Published
1 year agoon
By Toyin Falola
Nigeria is a country of meddlers. Joy is derived from intruding. The busybodies are happy. If you tell your Pastor, the snooper, something in private on Saturday evening, the next Sunday morning is about you: the private message will fly to the pulpit. Don’t try it with your Alfa, the tattlers; they have a way of branding and presenting your matter during their wáàsí (sermon). Try it with a motivational speaker, the nosey parker, and you become an example to the world. If you are a woman, prepare for a life that the prattlers will mess up, a life preparing you to become Mother Buttinsky and the transition to Grandmother Blabber.
Do you think I’m exaggerating? Óyá see now:
At 16: Face your education. I do not send you to school to have a boyfriend. Ask your dad; he met me as a virgin. If you like, let me turn your vagina into a dustbin.
At 17: I heard you are talking to a cultist. Is it true? Ìwọ ọmọ yìí. Before you kill me, I will use beating to reset your brain. I didn’t kill my mother and won’t let you kill me.
At 19: You have been posted to Kano. Are you planning to bring a Hausa boy to my house? God forbid. A no wan see Gambari o.
At 22: When will you marry? You have completed your education and NYSC. What are you waiting for? Don’t let my enemies mock me o.
At 30: Where is your husband? Eight years of waiting is not enough? When do I start seeing my grandchildren?
At 31: I asked you to get married, but I was not expecting you to bring an Igbo man as a husband. Igbo báwo?
At 32: You married last year, but you are not yet pregnant? I know one Babalawo at Surulere. He is the best in the entire Lagos State.
At 33: Did you hear that Sola has bought a plot of land at Lekki? You and your husband go to Yellow Rose at Ikeja to eat all the time. Oniranu meji. All your salary is for food? You better think.
At 34: When are you going to build your first house?
35: Thank God you are now pregnant. You must go to Houston to deliver so the baby can collect an American passport. Or do you want to give birth to a Nigerian? What do we do with the 200 million that we have?
At 36: Is it only two children you are going to have? And both of them are girls? O wrong nau.
At 36 and a half: What kind of life are you living in Nigeria? All your mates are now in America, the rest are in London. Japa jo!
At 37: I love how Yinka has done the funeral ceremony of her dad. Will you do the same for us? Don’t invite Professor Falola, or do you like the man who did not want his student to publish? Olè burúkú ni man yen.
At 38: I am retired. What is the plan of you and your brothers to take care of me? Even if it is $3,000 a month, send it. I suffer on your head nau.
You got the gist. I hope you know it is a bad idea to come to the world as a Ms. Toyin Titilope, incidentally both my names, although I am a man, alias “Sisi Toyin.” Toyin has fetched me some nice suitors; Titi has given me Zaddy! Only the Falola is a problem, as they think I am a juju man, the Baba Idan, who dictates a topic to the computer and three minutes later, the essay appears.
Let us leave the questions for men till another day. Enjoyment must not be concentrated in one day; otherwise, you become an Ayamatanga! If you don’t know Ayamatanga, you can visit him at https://www.premiumtimesng.com/opinion/612305-ayamatanga-by-toyin-falola.html.
You probably know her. Bimpe, a 26-year-old independent young woman who had just graduated from one of the prestigious universities in Nigeria, had posted her graduation pictures on social media expecting family, friends and well-wishers to congratulate her on her achievement. They congratulated her, but each time, it was immediately followed by a prayer for a husband, even before a good job! Some clearly stated that they expected the boda to come and “greet” them soon. It was not different when she visited home to communicate the good news to her family. After congratulating her, her mother called her to her room and asked if a man was in her life and when she planned to marry. “All my friend’s children are married, and they are all younger than you are. Don’t turn me into a laughing stock o, you should do it quickly as time is no longer on your side” became her mother’s anthem. Mama Bimpe’s mantra in Church is “God’s time is the best!” To Bimpe, Mama Bimpe’s slogan is “Time waits for no one!” Such is life!
Bimpe is not alone. Many unmarried women, younger or older than Bimpe, are reminded daily of their need to settle down early. There is always someone to remind them. Yoruba will say ilẹ̀ obìnrin ò kìí pẹ́ṣú (“a woman does not have the luxury of time”). A man can decide to get married at any age he deems fit, not a woman.
It is disappointing that disparaging comments about unmarried women largely come from women. (Even though their marriage sef no balance) Women are the ones who set a time limit to everything in life and then ridicule you for failing to attain a certain set standard at a particular age. The other day, I was at a wedding ceremony with friends and colleagues when a young lady walked up to exchange pleasantries with women at our table. As she greeted, one of the women asked the young lady if she was now married, but she replied negatively. The women then started giving responses such as tì ẹ náà á dé o (“It will be your turn soon.”) Another woman advised her to find a man to marry her before it was too late for her. As the young lady left with displeasure written all over her face, I realized that the pressure on women to get married keeps getting wesser.
There is freedom of speech and expression, where anyone can say whatever they want and are much uncultured to interfere in other people’s lives and businesses, including their relationship status. The tales of an unmarried woman are ceaseless prayers, sarcastic comments, the ultimatum, and pressure from friends, families and even acquaintances. What people term as advice, words of encouragement, prayers, and “meaning well” often turns out to be filled with prejudices and unreasonable expectations.
To make matters worse for this set of women, the usual marriage age is between 18 and 27 years, and for a woman to be unmarried at age 30 or above, it must be that there is a problem with her. Her singleness becomes an affliction that must never rise. She is taken to MFM for deliverance if she has a spirit husband hindering her from getting married. Her mother’s friend recommends Cele for a fast-fast solution. There, she will be bathed in a flowing river with kàìn-kàìn ìbílẹ̀ (local sponge) after the second crow of a purple cock just before dawn. In the afternoon, she will hold seven lit candlesticks in her hands, and as they burn, seven alagbà (elders) will encircle her and pray. At night, three wolis (prophets) will beat out every anti-marriage spirit from her body, soul and spirit with brooms. Her deliverance is complete. Her husband is on the way. They will meet on a bus tomorrow. Hallelujah!
The pressure and expectations placed on unmarried women are similar to that of a married woman who has yet to conceive. Everyone counts days and years of marriage, prescribing spiritual solutions to her problem. Womb watchers! Medically speaking, a woman’s prime age for reproduction is between her teens and late 20s. A woman’s chances of getting pregnant start to decline at 30; by the late 30s to age 45, it may be difficult for a woman to give birth. Hence, the pressure on women to settle down early in their 20s so that by their late 30s, they must have given birth to the number of children they want.
Nevertheless, marriage is a choice. When to get married and whom to marry is a choice. A woman can decide whether to marry or not. In this part of the world, a woman is expected to make her life choices, considering that marriage is the most important, irrespective of how successful she is. There should not be a stipulated time for a woman to marry; once she is secure financially or can support herself and has found her Mr. Right, only she can decide the ideal time for her to get married, not her parents or society. So, rest and stop pressurizing the singles!
Women were forced into marriage as early as age 14 in prior civilisations. In some parts of Nigeria, child marriage is still prevalent. The system of belief that a woman’s biggest achievement should be marriage and childbearing has led many young girls astray. Early marriage sometimes prevents a woman from attaining her desired level of education, discovering and maximizing her potential, and developing healthy relationships with peers.
The reasons for late marriage differ for every woman. For some, it is difficult to find a suitable suitor, career pursuit, financial freedom and stability, heartbreaks, etc. It is clear that women now have various options rather than pursuing marriage. It is believed that successful women find it difficult to get a man who would love them genuinely without being threatened by their successes.
This reminds me of a friend whose mother forces her to get married on a note that when she reaches a certain stage in her educational pursuit, she will be left to be given as a gift to any available man. How funny! Professional and career women would not settle for less by marrying a man who is below their class. The older and more successful a woman becomes the fewer her chances of getting married. Her success becomes a threat to insecure, selfish men. Some men will only be in a relationship with her so that they can access her money. Barau! Just carry a gun instead, so you will be properly identified as the thief that you are.
Rather than tying the knot forever and committing to the marital vows of “for better, for worse, till death do us part”, some women have decided to go for other alternatives like cohabitation and having baby daddies instead of going through the stress of getting married. Who likes Wahala?
Society has associated a woman’s pride with marriage and childbirth. Even when a woman gets married, her children and husband are the most important elements of her marriage. They must come first before her. If it is about having and raising children, women who have decided to stay unmarried now opt for other options such as surrogacy, sperm donors, intrauterine insemination (IUI), In vitro fertilization (IVF), and adoption. But Dupe’s sister-in-law says adoption is not God’s will for her life and continues to take Dupe’s picture to Shiloh for prayers, even after Dupe has refused to attend.
The effects of societal pressure on women to get married have led to further separation, divorces and broken homes. “People are talking” is never enough reason for a woman to get married. Marriage is neither a requirement nor a necessity but a choice. Marriage is hard work and a lifetime commitment. The society that pressures a woman into marriage will only be there at the wedding ceremony but not in the marriage with her. These same people will begin to count days, months and years for her to get pregnant. Another prayer session will start; if they pressured her into marriage through constant prayers and reminders, they would do the same for her to get a child and keep her home. It never ends there. Monitoring spirits!
Another purpose of marriage is companionship, having someone to talk to, share life’s issues, and grow and build with. As beautiful as this is, a marriage that is rushed into is unlikely to have a happy ending; it is most likely to end in tears and regrets. Nobody wants to be blamed for another person’s misfortune, so it is pertinent that society learns to mind its business with unmarried women in their prime age. Women are even encouraged that marriage is supposed to be endured if it cannot be enjoyed; so far, the “for better, for worse” vow has been made.
A woman herself sees the need to get married and settle down, but she does not have the luxury of time; it is nobody’s business to put her under pressure; let the pressure be hers. If a woman is self-sufficient, financially independent, does not want to be subject to a man, and decides to be unmarried for life, let her decisions be respected. There is no need to feel sorry for her. After all, we make our choices and our choices, in turn, make us.
If the pity is that she will have no children, we already have a large population of married people who will produce children and replenish the earth. Some married people even lack the resources to take care of their children. Staying unmarried or single is better than being in an unhappy, depressing or abusive relationship. Marriage is beautiful, and wedding ceremonies are glamorous, yet a woman’s worth should not be tied to whether she has a crown on her head or not. Crown ko, Ade orí ọ̀kín ni.
If a woman will have to wait for her Mr. Right, let her wait for him. In the end, it will be worth the wait for her. If your mother pressures you the next time, just tell her it is my fault: at 70 plus, you can appeal to me to propose to you. Just buy me the ring. I will marry you, but you must arrange the dowries on my behalf! So, let the singles breet. Na marry dem never marry, dey no keeh person!
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By Leo Igwe
The Advocacy for Alleged Witches (AfAW) is concerned over the reported arrest of two men accused of being ‘witchdoctors’ in Zambia. The arrest underscores the potency of witchcraft fears and the connection between occult anxieties and the country’s politics. These individuals were accused of trying to bewitch the Zambian president, Hakainde Hichilema. The police claimed that they had charms. They planned to use the charms to harm the president. The report says the two persons have been charged under Zambia’s Witchcraft Act. The Act criminalizes “possession of charms”, “professing knowledge of witchcraft”, and “cruelty to wild animals”. The police found the two with assorted charms, including a live chameleon.
This development is utterly embarrassing and shows that the Zambian government is slowly losing its focus and bearing.The country has many socio-economic challenges. Suspicion of bewitchment or possession of charms should be the least of its worries at this time. There should be no place for witchcraft and possession of charms in modern politics because there is no evidence for these beliefs and practices. Zambian authorities should not weaponize the Witchcraft Act or use it to justify this incident. Zambian law does not recognize witchcraft. Zambia’s Witchcraft Act criminalizes naming or imputing witchcraft. It prohibits accusing or threatening to accuse any person of being a witch or a wizard. In this case, it is the police who are breaking the law.
Otherwise, how did they know the two individuals were ‘witchdoctors’? Did these persons identify as witch doctors? If not, the police are liable because they named and imputed witchcraft and have to prove that these individuals have witch-doctoring powers. The police claimed to have charged these individuals for possessing “assorted charms”, including a chameleon. Really?
The police in Zambia have questions to answer: What are charms? How did they know that what was in their possession were charms, not pets? Is a chameleon a form of charm? What makes possession of a chameleon possession of a charm? When and how does a chameleon become a charm? The police need to answer these questions and more before one takes them seriously.
Again, did the individuals describe what was in possession as ‘charms’? If they did, does confessing or designating something as a charm make it a charm? And if they did not, the police are liable because they need to prove how those possessions translated into charms.
In addition, the police claimed that the duo wanted to bewitch the president. What does that mean? How did they know? Are the police not contravening a provision under the Witchcraft Act by professing knowledge of witchcraft? Can one harm another person using a chameleon? They claimed that the two persons wanted to use the charms in their possession, including the chameleon to harm the president. How did they know that? What is the evidence for that?
The Advocacy for Alleged Witches calls for an end to this state-sponsored witch hunt. There is no evidence of harm through witchcraft or charms. The Zambian government should desist from witchcraft- related infractions and violations including arbitrary arrest, and detention of innocent citizens. These allegations are baseless and absurd. The arrest was politically motivated. This development demonstrates that Zambian authorities are out of sync with their duty and obligation to uphold the rule of law and protect accused persons.
Zambian authorities need to act in compliance with the 2021 UN resolution, which urged states to take measures to combat abuses linked to witchcraft beliefs and ritual attacks. End witchcraft allegations in Zambia. End witch hunts in Africa now!
Dr Igwe directs the Advocacy for Alleged Witches.
By Tony Afejuku
The other burning issue, apart from Farotimi and Babalola’s, which I wish to take a look at – and which I am taking a look at now – relates to what is happening in our capital territory. What is this burning issue – which our human rightists and civil society organisations and personages are surprisingly and un-satisfactorily not inclined to focus attention on and examine as they should? I may be wrong, but it surely seems to me that this issue, this burning issue, which is of more importance than Farotimi and Babalola’s – which has been given undue adulation – is deliberately being neglected and depreciated by proclaimers and heroes and heroines of human rights, justice, equity and equality of rights in your country my country our country. Why, why, why and why, why, why? Anyone who has any iota of patriotic sensibility, feeling and judgment well watered and buttressed by a very great influence upon his or her critical judgment will keep on asking the question I am asking.
Mr. Nyesom Wike, as almost everybody who can read and write a little knows, is the current minister of your, my and our Federal Capital Territory. His post or office is akin to that of a governor of a state. As the immediate past governor of Rivers State who was drafted, after his two terms there expired, to continue in the FCT as its new minister-governor or governor-minister under the auspices of a party he is not a true member of, Mr. Wike cannot but be seen as a lucky man. He is in every possible and impossible way. Minister-Governor Wike is a lucky man and a very fortunate one indeed. No former governor of Rivers State (or of any Nigerian state), as far as I know, has achieved what the famed political rouser of rabbles has achieved in one short gubernatorial life-time, and at a relatively young and fertile age. His dual achievement with and in two different political parties at this delicate point of Nigerian politics indicates to our politicians and us all that there is always time for a reminder that there are ready-made high rewards for arch-angels of betrayals. And Mr. Wike may go down in Rivers and Nigerian history as both an arch-angel and an emperor of betrayal of us all if we attempt to indicate what I have defined here as his dual achievement.
We can roughly divide, briefly, Wike’s political development into two periods. During the first, excluding his lower political positions before he became the governor of Rivers State, he quickly adapted his style to that of an emperor who became a rabble-rouser of rabble-rousers whose gubernatorial efficiency moved from stiffness to stiffness. He did not at any time feel that he needed suppleness to govern Rivers State. “Let the heavens fall if they must fall!” We are not there yet in this attempted analysis of the stiff-hearted and stiff-minded one. True? But he is already demonstrating this characteristic in Abuja. False? Judge and give the answer yourself.
Even after he left Rivers State a short while ago as governor, he is still trying to control happenings there to the political discomfiture of his hand-picked successor, his erstwhile “boy” and “son” – with whom he has fallen out. As the minister-governor or governor-minister of the FCT, Wike is occupied with the other taste of the emperor-juggernaut formulator – doing the work of two key political masters in one room and desk of political jugglery. Since his appearance in the FCT, minister-governor or governor-minister Wike has allegedly attempted to recover or transform for Abuja what is not traditionally or socially Abuja’s, for example, the city’s social idiom and landscape and terrain as well as its environs. In doing this he sometimes over-steps his bounds and mark of human/inhuman decency/indecency and psychological understanding of human nature, if you follow well what I am saying; he has so far become at best not really better than a typical pedestrian Nigerian lawyer and officer of political power: in his explorations so far in the Federal Capital Territory we have come to the realization, as T. S. Eliot would say, that “it is so often true that only by going too far can we find out how far we can go.” But one has to be a very negatively obstinate and self-serving emperor and a thorough-bred arch-angel of betrayal of the people and masses to justify such perilous and perfidious expeditions and adventures.
Last week, I saw on Arise Television “The Morning Show” Chief Rita Lori-Ogbebor, the dutiful widow of the late Nigerian supreme patriot and soldier, Colonel Ogbebor (of Benin stock) battling, so to say, to wrest the legacy of her late husband from the tight grip of the adventurous FCT minister-governor who has registered his name and signature in the hearts and consciousness of the people as the depriver of their possessions. The three anchors of “The Morning Show” were in their respective ways splendid in their structures of remarks and questions to Chief (Mrs.) Rita Lori-Ogbebor whom I have had occasions in times past to call patriotically Rita A-K 47 on account of her natural right to fire her beautiful tongue at any person, usually an enemy, of just actions. When she made the case she made to protect the estate of Paulosa Nigeria Limited, her late husband’s aforesaid legacy in the FCT, she was in her natural territory, habitat and element where even at age eighty-four, she never ever loses her stability – although she unusually restrained herself in the Arise Television appearance. Dr. Reuben Abati, Rufai Oseni, and Ayo Mairo-Ese clearly explored seriously but delightfully the mind of the mother-hen of Warri – my other coinage and appellation I gave her in my poetry. Her “The Morning Show” appearance enabled me to see the poignant cry de profundis of the FCT inhabitants whose property and residences in different guises have been demolished. She did not say anything that was out of joint. She spoke and came out as a mother, protector and symbol of the people who have suffered – and are suffering – from the state of affliction and anguish Wike’s demolitions have placed – and are placing – the people.
Ojy Okpe in her delicious and delectable “What is Trending” slot on the same show, showed without exaggeration but with further elaboration what people in and outside Abuja/FCT think of the mighty Wike’s demolitions, a burning issue that the Senate has asked “Let Heaven Fall” minister-governor Wike to halt as the committee the Senate set up on the issue starts its work. Of course, we cannot but assume that Chief Rita Lori-Ogbebor, Mrs. Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan as well as Mrs. Ireti Kingigbe, the senator representing the FCT in the Senate and other patriotic senators diligently did what they did on the floor of the Senate when the burning issue was tabled for debate with the gracious understanding and authorization of the Senate President.
I need to state further that the “The Morning Show” anchors did well and extremely so by giving the minister-governor the opportunity to air his anti-Paulosa story. His senior special assistant on public communication and social media, Mr. Olalere Olayinka, stood in for him. After he gave the reasons for the clamp-down, his responses to the questions the anchors put to him followed the usual pattern of denials by artificial men in power – denials that they always use to intimidate and betray the people. In fact, Mr. Olayinka’s ploy to ride easily over our dear Rufai Oseni, a wholesome representative of the deprived, that the chap (or is it guy?) and his boss always employ their colloquial speeches and remarks to dishonor, failed. Yes, the ploy failed woefully. In stanza after stanza of the exchanges between Mr. Olayinka and the Arise anchors, he deteriorated – and his deterioration was hall-marked when he unwittingly revealed that the Paulosa land had been acquired by his minister-governor’s close cohort, an act that was nothing short of gross abuse of power and authority.
Because the Senate is already using its authority, power and privilege to resolve the burning issue, hopefully, in a way that the late Colonel Ogbebor’s legacy and family will not be subjected to any kind of degradation, I will utter no more words for now. I trust, however, that the liberties the Senate is taking – or has taken – are for the sake of order to favour the down-trodden.
As for the minister-governor, the PDP emperor at large, here is an immortal quote from Marcus Aurelius, the magnificent and authentic Roman Emperor and philosopher (A.D. 121-180): “If it is not right, do not do it; if it is not true, do not say it.” You lose nothing by giving us a slice of your humanity by your right acts and correct words. Everything changes and passes. Be humane as a human being.
Afejuku can be reached via 08055213059.
By Leo Igwe
Recently, I facilitated a critical thinking workshop at the Bay Wreath Schools in Lagos. The theme was critical thinking and teacher development. As the theme stated, the workshop was on teaching, about teaching, and for teachers. It highlighted the pedagogical value of critical and reflective inquiry. The workshop exposed teachers to critical mental habits and skills. It emphasized how critical thinking would enhance expertise in the learning and delivery of subjects in classrooms.
I used the opportunity to discuss questionstorm as a method of teaching and learning. Questionstorm is a way that I operationalized critical thinking for primary and elementary schools. Questionstorm is the ability to interrogate all objects and materials. It is a habit of questioning ideas and experiences in all areas of human endeavor. Simply put, questionstorm is a question-driven inquiry. Children are naturally curious. They thirst for knowledge and understanding. Unfortunately, the school system kills children’s curiosity and dampens their interrogative appetite. The school system places much emphasis on rote learning and memorization. It makes the generation of answers not questions or problems the test of knowledge, and the determinant of intelligence. Teaching is largely a drudgery, a monotonous exercise, and a process of depositing knowledge on passive recipients, the students. Teaching entails dumping information on learners whose duty is to cram and reproduce during tests or examinations.
This teaching praxis has been criticized and blamed for the poor performance of students post-school (college and university) and their inability to think independently, creatively, and innovatively. Other teaching methods have tried to address these gaps and limitations. There have been suggestions to make teaching and instruction more active, and more student/learner/child-centered. One such method is the Montessori method. The Montessori method discourages grades and tests as ways of measuring achievement or determining intelligence and excellence. It emphasizes hands-on learning and the development of real-world skills. While the Montessori method stresses the practical approach to learning it says very little about the authoritarian teacher-to-student approach that is the mainstay of teaching and learning in classrooms. Teaching follows a pattern that leaves students and learners in the margins and unable to question and contribute to the learning process. Teachers present what is to be learned such as a text, and then generate questions that students respond or address to demonstrate knowledge of what has been taught. The student’s or learner’s main job is to answer questions, to look for or find answers or solutions. The teacher’s work is to get students to look for, and provide answers, and reproduce what they have been taught or told. But students are answer-depots. Students are not memory banks or reserves. They are active minds and thinking agents.
With questionstorm as a teaching method, the mode of instruction would change. Teaching becomes a cooperative endeavor that actively involves teachers and students. What is taught in the classroom is a collaborative note, not the teacher’s note, not a handout to students. Teachers present or generate texts or objects for learning, in response to intense questioning of the object or material by students, teachers provide information as required for that subject, topic, level, and time frame. No two instances of teaching – of the same topic or subject- are or should be the same because the input of students and teachers is not predetermined.
This is because of an overlooked principle in teaching and learning, that I call the “uncertainty principle”.
The uncertainty principle underlies questionstorm because knowledge is not fixed. Learning is a fluid process. All that is to be learned is uncertain, it is unknown and never determined. No teacher can say beforehand what is to be taught or learned because no one knows exactly the questions and answers or replies that would arise when a topic is presented or taught in a particular class. A topic or learning material elicits unique responses and exchanges that both teachers and students cannot exactly know or predict a priori, before the fact.
Teaching is a shared task and responsibility. Class notes are fluid materials. They are not texts cast on educational stones and delivered by teachers to students to copy, cut, and paste as is often the case. Class notes are not written or produced by teachers for students but by teachers with students. Teachers’ notes are incomplete and insufficient. They account only for a part, not a whole of the learning process and material. Students’ input completes and complements the teaching material and learning process. Thus every class note is unique because it is a product of a specific collaborative endeavor, a product of particular teaching and learning agents and circumstances that cannot be repeated or replicated.
Thus, as a teaching method, questionstorm is set to facilitate teacher development and improve the quality of instruction in schools. Questionstorm will help realize a paradigm shift in education and learning. I hope educators, teachers, and school managers will embrace this method of teaching and learning.
Dr Igwe directs the Critical Thinking Social Empowerment Foundation.
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